I've been studying my butt off for the GRE. Standardized tests like the GRE and SAT are the bane of my life, and pretty much everyone's as well, especially the Deaf. The verbal section never actually measure our ability to handle English. I have to depend on my English grades for colleges and my writing samples for graduate school admissions to demonstrate that I was proficient in English.
In my last entry, back in March, it was before I heard from any PhD programs. Just a few days later after I posted it, I had heard from a top-20 program that I never thought I would have a chance and I was waitlisted. I was so excited that someone actually liked me! I also heard a few weeks later that I had been waitlisted at my top choice! Ultimately, I could not get a firm acceptance anywhere. Very disappointed but it was a tough season. My professors encouraged me to try again for Fall 2011. Nearly all wanted me to re-take the GRE as my Verbal was quite low- 420 (something in the 30th percentile and most programs want 90th). And a little old (3 years old) given that I should've improved my verbal ability throughout graduate school. I hesitated for a good while because I really did not want to take the GRE and I did not believe in standardized exams. Also to ask me to improve my verbal score alone by 250 points was a lot to ask. I've heard of people improving by 50-100 points per section but nothing higher. If I did, it was a rare case.
Then I met a professor at Berkeley for a casual conversation. She convinced me just to nail a 600 just to "stay in the corral." 650 is competitive but 600 will do. She also really believed that I had something to offer to academia based on our conversation about my interests. It dawned on me that I really had a lot to offer and the GRE was just... a serious obstacle to my success. Especially with a low Verbal score, despite being deaf. No more excuses.
I hit the Kaplan books head on. I studied my weaknesses and thought-processing. I realized something as i analyzed my wrong answer choices in the analogies and antonyms sections.
While I've been able to get by with a slightly nuance for the word's meaning that I didn't know well, it did not bode well for me when it came to the GRE. I now have to know the word cold. For example, I came across "HEDGE." I thought, "hedging my bets..." and considered the word something like to keep? Buzzzz. I chose the wrong answer. Then I looked it up in the dictionary and its more precise definition (to protect, guard, or a barrier) and chose a better answer, which happened to be the right one. I was rattled with fear... how many times did I make a mistake with incorrect word choice? How many times did I use a word with wrong connotation in conversations and simple writing exercises?
After that, if I encountered a word and say to myself, "Well, this kind of means..." I stopped and looked it up. And made a new flashcard, whether I *get it* or not. Like today, I made a flash card for mitigate (yes, we have seen this word many, many times recently regarding the economy but I thought it was more on negative side, not "to make less severe, harsh; calming."
While the GRE, as I figured out, does expect one to understand some nuances through word roots, it does expect one to recall the precise definition of its high frequently used words. And those words are supposed to be part of my everyday adult vocabulary, at least the ones that may to be obvious like "hedge." You, my dear reader, can imagine how I'm banging my head against the table at this realization, that I have work cut out for me.
I questioned my parents, actually, about my language learning when I told them of this thinking. I commented how even though I was an avid reader, I have weak vocabulary in general because I let new words flow in and out of my ear and just glazed over the context for a simple meaning, rather than finding its precise definition (including connotations). Wasn't that how other people learned new words as they read? Was this part of my attempt to catch up language wise? Yes, like believing that I could see in the dark even though I could not really. I assume that this method would get me from Point A to Point B without too much trouble. Except this was costing my points on the GRE, and possibly my writing. Their response wasn't all that much- except it's good that I am learning all of this now. Still, I kind of wish that they'd question me if I understood the words I was using or they were using... my mom still introduces me idioms in our conversations to be sure that I am still understanding my native tongue fully.
While I know that the GRE is generally pointless and stupid and expects test takers to follow a "certain thought processing" to score high, I'm just amazed how it digs a finger in a weak spot into showing that this vocabulary issue is precisely the reason why I score like a ESL student or someone with a delayed language issues, even though English is my native tongue.
So thus far, scoring around 550. Yes, you read that right. I did improve reading comprehension thanks to grad school, enough to score a 490 on my first GRE practice exam back in early July. One more month to go!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Deafness and Academia
I go through my days without thinking or second-guessing my abilities. I wake up and go out with confidence that I will make through another day, another class, another paper, and so forth.
Rarely does it feel like my life is crashing because The Issue has come up. The Issue is my writing. It is something that is personal to me. I've gone through a lot to make it this far. Few people can appreciate it as so it feels. I know that my family appreciate it but it's harder with teachers, professors, and everyone else out there who did not spend time with me.
I feel like I've gone through graduate school mostly unchecked. I paid close attention to my professors' edits and comments on small papers throughout the semester and learn from them. Yet, there were two or three professors who were very critical of my writing. One questioned my ability to express my ideas clearly in writing. One found too many grammatical mistakes to her liking for a graduate student. One was just overall writing. The other half were more interested in my ideas and how well I presented my thesis and argument. Guess which professors I got better grades with? Yet, it's still a detriment to my GPA.
And that affects my ability to create a tip-top Ph.D. application. Everything else is strong. One of my professor said that I could have everything going for me on my application but my writing would still hold me back. She believed that it would be "a major obstacle" to overcome with my writing ability. It took a lot to stay under emotional control to hear that. It's true that I had not once asked for her opinion regarding my ability to do well as a Ph.D. student but I did ask her to write a strong letter of recommendation. I counted on her for that. Yet i knew she was being honest.
Funny thing is that one of my thesis readers really wants to publish a portion of my thesis.
Mixed messages? Yup. That's what I am frustrated about. Who do I listen to? Who do I ignore? What is the best path for me towards the prize? I've been trying to search for answers in the last few days and will talk a few people this week. I'll be on my own, away from my University, after I graduate. And I need to take advantage of the resources here.
Later, a thought came to my mind, "Is there any Deaf academics?" Yes, there are but they are in STEM (Science Technology Engineering Mathematics) fields where writing isn't all that important. I wanted to know if any Deaf people can succeed in humantiies where writing is emphasized? Through a post online, I found a Deaf academic at Ohio State who is an English professor. Wow. That's one role model who I can look up to. Still, so underrepresented. Why is that? What have Deaf people been encouraged to become? I have known of Deaf people in the sciences, medicine, elementary and secondary education (higher ed in "deaf" universities), and... I suppose low-income, skilled jobs.
My brain is terrible at chemistry. I can't do science. I don't have that "right" brain analysis but I am more "left" brain which is all creative. Aren't we supposed to do jobs that we're good at and enjoy?
This is exactly what I am trying to do! I've found my passion... and why are they taking it away from me?
One university staff member suggested that I should think about what schools are appreciative of diversity and that's where my chances might be higher. I also thought about what programs I applied to, programs that emphasizes on "whole" applicant, not nit-picking the writing sample. And there are other things.... things I had never thought about for my deafness. I just never had to. And if I have to re-apply, now I actually have to be a bit more strategic.
Sometimes I just wonder... did my parents raise me with intentions of integrating with the hearing world, not keeping me in the bubble of the Deaf community? When my dad suggested that I look into something in the Deaf community, I was surprised that he even suggested that. I thought my parents fought to give me opportunities beyond the Deaf community. I was just saying to someone, "How is it possible that I've been given all these opportunities up until now? I mean, thanks to laws paving the way for deaf people to dream of attaining higher education, there are more deaf people with college degrees. But then what? I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall." What the hell am I suppsoed to do with my degrees if I can't achieve what I want and what I've been led to believe that I could get it?
As that professor said, "Give yourself some credit, please. You have a MA from University! People will look at you and find a way to put you in their organization!" That was not the point of obtaining my MA degree. I came solely as a stepping stone for the Ph.D., not to get a job in this particular community. If I came to graduate school for professional reasons, A) I would've picked that other school and B) I might've chosen a different degree that might have more value in the society as a whole, not just an entity.
And at the same time, I know that I've accomplished more than what most of my friends have in the last two years.
But dammit, why does this have to happen in a way that someone should've stopped me and said NO? Especially before I spent all that money on graduate school.
Rarely does it feel like my life is crashing because The Issue has come up. The Issue is my writing. It is something that is personal to me. I've gone through a lot to make it this far. Few people can appreciate it as so it feels. I know that my family appreciate it but it's harder with teachers, professors, and everyone else out there who did not spend time with me.
I feel like I've gone through graduate school mostly unchecked. I paid close attention to my professors' edits and comments on small papers throughout the semester and learn from them. Yet, there were two or three professors who were very critical of my writing. One questioned my ability to express my ideas clearly in writing. One found too many grammatical mistakes to her liking for a graduate student. One was just overall writing. The other half were more interested in my ideas and how well I presented my thesis and argument. Guess which professors I got better grades with? Yet, it's still a detriment to my GPA.
And that affects my ability to create a tip-top Ph.D. application. Everything else is strong. One of my professor said that I could have everything going for me on my application but my writing would still hold me back. She believed that it would be "a major obstacle" to overcome with my writing ability. It took a lot to stay under emotional control to hear that. It's true that I had not once asked for her opinion regarding my ability to do well as a Ph.D. student but I did ask her to write a strong letter of recommendation. I counted on her for that. Yet i knew she was being honest.
Funny thing is that one of my thesis readers really wants to publish a portion of my thesis.
Mixed messages? Yup. That's what I am frustrated about. Who do I listen to? Who do I ignore? What is the best path for me towards the prize? I've been trying to search for answers in the last few days and will talk a few people this week. I'll be on my own, away from my University, after I graduate. And I need to take advantage of the resources here.
Later, a thought came to my mind, "Is there any Deaf academics?" Yes, there are but they are in STEM (Science Technology Engineering Mathematics) fields where writing isn't all that important. I wanted to know if any Deaf people can succeed in humantiies where writing is emphasized? Through a post online, I found a Deaf academic at Ohio State who is an English professor. Wow. That's one role model who I can look up to. Still, so underrepresented. Why is that? What have Deaf people been encouraged to become? I have known of Deaf people in the sciences, medicine, elementary and secondary education (higher ed in "deaf" universities), and... I suppose low-income, skilled jobs.
My brain is terrible at chemistry. I can't do science. I don't have that "right" brain analysis but I am more "left" brain which is all creative. Aren't we supposed to do jobs that we're good at and enjoy?
This is exactly what I am trying to do! I've found my passion... and why are they taking it away from me?
One university staff member suggested that I should think about what schools are appreciative of diversity and that's where my chances might be higher. I also thought about what programs I applied to, programs that emphasizes on "whole" applicant, not nit-picking the writing sample. And there are other things.... things I had never thought about for my deafness. I just never had to. And if I have to re-apply, now I actually have to be a bit more strategic.
Sometimes I just wonder... did my parents raise me with intentions of integrating with the hearing world, not keeping me in the bubble of the Deaf community? When my dad suggested that I look into something in the Deaf community, I was surprised that he even suggested that. I thought my parents fought to give me opportunities beyond the Deaf community. I was just saying to someone, "How is it possible that I've been given all these opportunities up until now? I mean, thanks to laws paving the way for deaf people to dream of attaining higher education, there are more deaf people with college degrees. But then what? I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall." What the hell am I suppsoed to do with my degrees if I can't achieve what I want and what I've been led to believe that I could get it?
As that professor said, "Give yourself some credit, please. You have a MA from University! People will look at you and find a way to put you in their organization!" That was not the point of obtaining my MA degree. I came solely as a stepping stone for the Ph.D., not to get a job in this particular community. If I came to graduate school for professional reasons, A) I would've picked that other school and B) I might've chosen a different degree that might have more value in the society as a whole, not just an entity.
And at the same time, I know that I've accomplished more than what most of my friends have in the last two years.
But dammit, why does this have to happen in a way that someone should've stopped me and said NO? Especially before I spent all that money on graduate school.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Names, Labels, Audience
I've been asked by the Council for Disabilities Concerns to join the committee that plans a disabilities awareness week. It also asked if my student organization would consider collaborating. I wrote back saying that I would let them know within 2 weeks of my personal decision as well as my student organization. I can only imagine how our organization meeting will go on Tuesday.
I had a big discussion over this e-mail and Council with my friend in my University's office for student disabilities. She had been the committee and knows what it's like. She revealed some important details for me to be aware of.
Really, I feel like ever since I sent out that e-mail in October, I've been poached in a way by the chair. Is it because I'm the "next" generation? My friend seems to think so when I inquired about the members' ages. How would a "fresh" face like me change the things that they do? That's my big question. I told my friend that I wasn't going to walk into that room unless they can make definite promises that they will listen and respect me. If they aren't going to change anything, then I'm walking out.
One thing that does bother me is the name, "Investing in Abilities" week. As I mentioned in my previous entry, my student newspaper published a very nice article. They used "disabilities" and drew a number of reader responses on the site. I should also point out that there was a sharp difference in the audience size between the two deaf panels. The one sponsored by CDC drew only probably about 20 people. But the one my student organization threw packed the room- about 80 or so. We had called it "Deaf Culture 101" while they called it "Panel on Deafness." But my point, really, is how they planned for that week. I noticed that a lot of it is focused on the University employees rather than students and it's much more geared towards the adult population in the town, not students. (While on the surface the relations between the student body and town looks good, there's a pretty sharp divide.)
I digress. "Investing in Abilities" says what? Nothing. Yes, the focus is to demonstrate that people with disablities can work just as well as other people. But it's far too ambiguous. People do respond when it's clear -something like "Investing in Disabilities." But of course, it's not going to be what they want. Even though I do focus on what I am able to do, I still need to take care of the fact that I still have disabilities to deal with. It's part of our lives.
There's also a graduate student organization called "Students with Disabilities for Social Justice." I must say I also cringe at the name. Social justice? Even though I took a history course focusing on that, I still don't buy it. Especially for this- "social justice" has a real political connotation to it. Is it trying to create a movement? No, I found out that it's really about students taking a particular task to help raise awareness of their needs. It's not really collaborative as I thought it'd be. It even already claimed that didn't want to be "politically affiliated." So then, what's with the name?
Then I came across an article by Smith College, where I used to attend for a year, written by a group of students with disabilities looking to start their own organization-Dis/Ability. Fabulous. That slash separates the prefix from the stem yet you still get the whole word. I read into the article and felt inspired. Depending how things go over the next week or so, I may want to get in touch with the students just to talk to them for some "fresh" ideas. Sure, Smith College is like.... 8% of the size of my University... but it doesn't hurt.
It does annoy me that I've been pulled into this community even though all I wanted was just to find support from other deaf people. It's just that, you know, I just look at my world different from most of these people. I'm much more optimistic, confident, and assertive (in a diplomatic manner). I'm not angry nor am I looking for pity from others. You go with the flow and just adapt.
But it's what happens when you're in a big University where there are so many more opportunities and resources than your little liberal arts college. You find more people like you even if you didn't ask for it.
But really, "Investing in Abilities"? It's not gonna draw any crowd if you can't tell that they're looking to raise awareness about a community of people with disabilities.
I had a big discussion over this e-mail and Council with my friend in my University's office for student disabilities. She had been the committee and knows what it's like. She revealed some important details for me to be aware of.
Really, I feel like ever since I sent out that e-mail in October, I've been poached in a way by the chair. Is it because I'm the "next" generation? My friend seems to think so when I inquired about the members' ages. How would a "fresh" face like me change the things that they do? That's my big question. I told my friend that I wasn't going to walk into that room unless they can make definite promises that they will listen and respect me. If they aren't going to change anything, then I'm walking out.
One thing that does bother me is the name, "Investing in Abilities" week. As I mentioned in my previous entry, my student newspaper published a very nice article. They used "disabilities" and drew a number of reader responses on the site. I should also point out that there was a sharp difference in the audience size between the two deaf panels. The one sponsored by CDC drew only probably about 20 people. But the one my student organization threw packed the room- about 80 or so. We had called it "Deaf Culture 101" while they called it "Panel on Deafness." But my point, really, is how they planned for that week. I noticed that a lot of it is focused on the University employees rather than students and it's much more geared towards the adult population in the town, not students. (While on the surface the relations between the student body and town looks good, there's a pretty sharp divide.)
I digress. "Investing in Abilities" says what? Nothing. Yes, the focus is to demonstrate that people with disablities can work just as well as other people. But it's far too ambiguous. People do respond when it's clear -something like "Investing in Disabilities." But of course, it's not going to be what they want. Even though I do focus on what I am able to do, I still need to take care of the fact that I still have disabilities to deal with. It's part of our lives.
There's also a graduate student organization called "Students with Disabilities for Social Justice." I must say I also cringe at the name. Social justice? Even though I took a history course focusing on that, I still don't buy it. Especially for this- "social justice" has a real political connotation to it. Is it trying to create a movement? No, I found out that it's really about students taking a particular task to help raise awareness of their needs. It's not really collaborative as I thought it'd be. It even already claimed that didn't want to be "politically affiliated." So then, what's with the name?
Then I came across an article by Smith College, where I used to attend for a year, written by a group of students with disabilities looking to start their own organization-Dis/Ability. Fabulous. That slash separates the prefix from the stem yet you still get the whole word. I read into the article and felt inspired. Depending how things go over the next week or so, I may want to get in touch with the students just to talk to them for some "fresh" ideas. Sure, Smith College is like.... 8% of the size of my University... but it doesn't hurt.
It does annoy me that I've been pulled into this community even though all I wanted was just to find support from other deaf people. It's just that, you know, I just look at my world different from most of these people. I'm much more optimistic, confident, and assertive (in a diplomatic manner). I'm not angry nor am I looking for pity from others. You go with the flow and just adapt.
But it's what happens when you're in a big University where there are so many more opportunities and resources than your little liberal arts college. You find more people like you even if you didn't ask for it.
But really, "Investing in Abilities"? It's not gonna draw any crowd if you can't tell that they're looking to raise awareness about a community of people with disabilities.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Asking for Help
Recently, Desperate Housewives writers decided to paralyze Orson, Bree's husband. He was involved in place crash as a victim. Bree was going to leave him but felt so guilty about her affair. Her reverend told her to stay with Orson if she wants to reach haven as a devout Catholic. So she decided to forget about trying to divorce Orson and remain as his wife. Orson now wants a divorce simply because of Bree's choice. Either way, they're stuck together. And Orson's stuck in his wheelchair. In this particular episode, Orson goes for practically a week without taking a shower and refuses to let Bree bathe him. (Gross, I know.) Bree has an issue with Orson not saying "please" and basically ordering her around like a slave. At the end, they confront each other over a hose fight. Orson breaks down and admits how difficult it is for him to suddenly have to ask for help and say please. He gets up at 5 and knows that Bree doesn't get up until 6:30. If he can walk, he'd go and make himself a cup of tea. But no, he has to stay in bed until Bree wakes up, an hour and half later.
Orson's voice of frustration did struck a chord with me and I'm sure many other people with disabilities. As an adult, it's so much harder to become "dependent" on others for assistance. I have learned to become self-advocate for my hearing loss and ask people to do things for me like turning up the light in a restaurant or move to a quieter spot in a loud room. With my vision, it's so new that it's still difficult for me to really ask for more help. And well, the whole "please" thing... I have to agree with Orson on this. It can get tiring of saying "please." But I almost never forget to say "thank you" (learned this after getting into a spat with one of my best friends in high school for not saying so when she gave me rides).
Especially when it comes to transportation. I have been driving since I was 16. My parents live in the suburbs, but we live around the block from our big supermarket, a plaza, and Starbucks. Everything else, including the town villages, are not walking distance. Biking, yes when weather permits. My friends in Rochester know that I don't drive at night because of my nightblindness so they're happy to come pick me up or give me a ride home if someone takes me to our meeting place. When it comes to daytime driving, it's more frustrating in terms of adaptation. I can see during the day. But my parents don't feel comfortable putting me on the auto insurance when I'm a risk to myself and other drivers because of my limited vision. They took away my driving privileges in December. So it's just new to me. And now I have to ask? There was no question about it that I absolutely had to go back to my University where I can rely on public transportation and come and go as I please. But with my parents, I feel like I have to justify why I want to go to X or Y. Even if I just want to bum around there, especially if X is like 20 minutes away. That includes the mall. This includes being able to set up appointments. This is particularly embarrassing for me because they're during the day and um, I have to ask my stay-at-home dad to drive me. And I have to make sure the appointment time doesn't conflict with his routine. As I mentioned, if the weather permits and roads are clear, then I will walk to the plaza. Almost nobody ever walks or bikes in my area unless it's part of using the city's sparse public transportation system. So what I have to do at home is all more socially abnormal.
Now I can't just take the keys and just go to our fantastic supermarket and pick up some delish food. Now I have to figure out what's in the kitchen and deal with it. Thank goodness, I do like eggs.
Orson's voice of frustration did struck a chord with me and I'm sure many other people with disabilities. As an adult, it's so much harder to become "dependent" on others for assistance. I have learned to become self-advocate for my hearing loss and ask people to do things for me like turning up the light in a restaurant or move to a quieter spot in a loud room. With my vision, it's so new that it's still difficult for me to really ask for more help. And well, the whole "please" thing... I have to agree with Orson on this. It can get tiring of saying "please." But I almost never forget to say "thank you" (learned this after getting into a spat with one of my best friends in high school for not saying so when she gave me rides).
Especially when it comes to transportation. I have been driving since I was 16. My parents live in the suburbs, but we live around the block from our big supermarket, a plaza, and Starbucks. Everything else, including the town villages, are not walking distance. Biking, yes when weather permits. My friends in Rochester know that I don't drive at night because of my nightblindness so they're happy to come pick me up or give me a ride home if someone takes me to our meeting place. When it comes to daytime driving, it's more frustrating in terms of adaptation. I can see during the day. But my parents don't feel comfortable putting me on the auto insurance when I'm a risk to myself and other drivers because of my limited vision. They took away my driving privileges in December. So it's just new to me. And now I have to ask? There was no question about it that I absolutely had to go back to my University where I can rely on public transportation and come and go as I please. But with my parents, I feel like I have to justify why I want to go to X or Y. Even if I just want to bum around there, especially if X is like 20 minutes away. That includes the mall. This includes being able to set up appointments. This is particularly embarrassing for me because they're during the day and um, I have to ask my stay-at-home dad to drive me. And I have to make sure the appointment time doesn't conflict with his routine. As I mentioned, if the weather permits and roads are clear, then I will walk to the plaza. Almost nobody ever walks or bikes in my area unless it's part of using the city's sparse public transportation system. So what I have to do at home is all more socially abnormal.
Now I can't just take the keys and just go to our fantastic supermarket and pick up some delish food. Now I have to figure out what's in the kitchen and deal with it. Thank goodness, I do like eggs.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
(In)visible Disabilities
My University's newspaper publishes an extra section on Wednesdays, usually a research article covering a particular issue on campus or in the town. These articles are generally pretty good and interesting... so I look forward to every Wednesday (not just for New York Times' Dining Section!)
Today, I was pleasantly surprised that they decided to bring up "invisible" disabilities. The reporter talked to a variety of students. Some had their disabilities for a long time, others just more recently. They all talked about the adjustments they've had to make when they came to the University and how their disabilities affected their academics and social life.
What struck me in a way that, even though the article considered hearing impairment or vision loss as a "visible" disability, I have both a visible disability and an invisible disability. With my CI, it's just obvious that I'm deaf. Sometimes it can be invisible because I generally speak clearly and intelligibly. However, with my blindness, it's practically invisible at first sight. It's true, I do say that it takes a little bit of time with me to realize that I have vision troubles. It's all the little things. Like today, for example, I went into a new restaurant. I had to stop and look around for probably a minute before I could see the matire'd standing there, waiting for me, behind her counter. I apologized and said, "It's my first time here so I'm not used to all this..." Awkward. But I get over it in less than 30 seconds.
It's true. When I go to a new place and I'm arriving alone and meeting someone there, I have to make every effort to show up early so that A) if it's slightly dark, I can use the extra time to stand off to the side and let my slow-pokey eyes adjust to reduced lightning, or B) I can survey how the room is set up in order to avoid crashing into chairs and tables (and potentially breaking glass!) when I follow the matire'd to my table. This goes for classrooms that have chairs moved around frequently. If someone is with me, I let the person help me, either by taking my arm and leading me from behind, or for me to follow closely in their footprints.
One thing I do really hate- kicking the legs of swivel chairs as I pass through.
The students in the article talked about perception from others and dealing with friends. It's frustrating too. My deafness, I believe, doesn't hinder my ability to interact in social situations because I'm pretty good at lip-reading and I have good programs in my CI. I wrote a bit about this in my "diversity statement" for a PhD program. Basically, I have achieved a lot with my hearing in order to be a participant in a hearing society.
Vision is another story. As long my vision doesn't get in the way, I can jump in things pretty easily. Unfortunately, when my vision loss does get in the way, my world seems to fall apart. I know that I have cut myself out on purpose from social life at night like going to bars or a crowded party. It's my fault in many ways in terms of being able to establish friendships with people to go out with. Even when I walk into a seminar room late, there's that swiveling chair thing. I feel ashamed deep down when people look up and see how I'm kicking into legs of these chairs and occasionally a computer cord. I wanted so much to tell them to cut me some slack because I don't see those chairs! Instead, I pretend that nothing's happened and move forward. Then it comes around again when it's break time... I do feel pressured when I try to cover up my vision loss. My deafness is enough. Thankfully, in many ways, a lot of graduate students really spend weekends studying.
Vision is another story. As long my vision doesn't get in the way, I can jump in things pretty easily. Unfortunately, when my vision loss does get in the way, my world seems to fall apart. I know that I have cut myself out on purpose from social life at night like going to bars or a crowded party. It's my fault in many ways in terms of being able to establish friendships with people to go out with. Even when I walk into a seminar room late, there's that swiveling chair thing. I feel ashamed deep down when people look up and see how I'm kicking into legs of these chairs and occasionally a computer cord. I wanted so much to tell them to cut me some slack because I don't see those chairs! Instead, I pretend that nothing's happened and move forward. Then it comes around again when it's break time... I do feel pressured when I try to cover up my vision loss. My deafness is enough. Thankfully, in many ways, a lot of graduate students really spend weekends studying.
There is something that the director of student disabilities services that has been bothering my list-serv that shares information about disabilities. The director had said that they're about helping students to empower themselves and be self-advocates. Some people disagreed- students need help. They pointed out that usually students come to the University recently diagnosed and just don't know what's available for them. The director went on to say "Look, if students want to have a peer-support group, then it's up to them." Basically, if the University doesn't have what the students are looking for, it's up to them to make it happen. The University would rather be hands-off and let things happen. I do have to admit that there must be tons of high schools that don't offer enough resources to their students and the University is the students' last chance for assistance in self-advocacy. I must admit that I have been blessed with excellent teachers and professionals growing up and have lived with myself for so long that I have forgotten what it's like to be... in square one. I did ask about connecting with other students at UM and the disabilities services were pretty reluctant about sharing information. I do wish that there was a list out there where students can look up others who may have similar issues.
Sometimes I do need to snap into reality that there are others who are just not as aware as I am about resources and support.
Being deaf is so easy for me because I've adapted to it and take advantage of any opportunities relating to it. And it's visible to everyone and it's not something that I can ignore. Blindness is something that's much more difficult for me because it's invisible to everyone else. The fact that I can still see makes it all more challenging for me. How do I convince others that I cannot see everything? I have to educate that there are different levels of blindness. Being blind does not always equate to a white or silver cane. There are times that I wonder how would my day be different if I walked around with a cane. Would I be treated differently? I must admit that I have talked more with this staff member at the office of disabilities about my vision loss than I care to... because I don't feel as if I have anywhere or anyone to turn to. Mostly, it's just small stuff that I have to live with in silence. Like having to feel for floor numbers on the elevator if the light is too dim for me to see if I'm alone. If someone hops on with me or is already on the elevator, I will step back and ask to press Floor...4....please.
Sometimes I do need to snap into reality that there are others who are just not as aware as I am about resources and support.
Being deaf is so easy for me because I've adapted to it and take advantage of any opportunities relating to it. And it's visible to everyone and it's not something that I can ignore. Blindness is something that's much more difficult for me because it's invisible to everyone else. The fact that I can still see makes it all more challenging for me. How do I convince others that I cannot see everything? I have to educate that there are different levels of blindness. Being blind does not always equate to a white or silver cane. There are times that I wonder how would my day be different if I walked around with a cane. Would I be treated differently? I must admit that I have talked more with this staff member at the office of disabilities about my vision loss than I care to... because I don't feel as if I have anywhere or anyone to turn to. Mostly, it's just small stuff that I have to live with in silence. Like having to feel for floor numbers on the elevator if the light is too dim for me to see if I'm alone. If someone hops on with me or is already on the elevator, I will step back and ask to press Floor...4....please.
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