My University's newspaper publishes an extra section on Wednesdays, usually a research article covering a particular issue on campus or in the town. These articles are generally pretty good and interesting... so I look forward to every Wednesday (not just for New York Times' Dining Section!)
Today, I was pleasantly surprised that they decided to bring up "invisible" disabilities. The reporter talked to a variety of students. Some had their disabilities for a long time, others just more recently. They all talked about the adjustments they've had to make when they came to the University and how their disabilities affected their academics and social life.
What struck me in a way that, even though the article considered hearing impairment or vision loss as a "visible" disability, I have both a visible disability and an invisible disability. With my CI, it's just obvious that I'm deaf. Sometimes it can be invisible because I generally speak clearly and intelligibly. However, with my blindness, it's practically invisible at first sight. It's true, I do say that it takes a little bit of time with me to realize that I have vision troubles. It's all the little things. Like today, for example, I went into a new restaurant. I had to stop and look around for probably a minute before I could see the matire'd standing there, waiting for me, behind her counter. I apologized and said, "It's my first time here so I'm not used to all this..." Awkward. But I get over it in less than 30 seconds.
It's true. When I go to a new place and I'm arriving alone and meeting someone there, I have to make every effort to show up early so that A) if it's slightly dark, I can use the extra time to stand off to the side and let my slow-pokey eyes adjust to reduced lightning, or B) I can survey how the room is set up in order to avoid crashing into chairs and tables (and potentially breaking glass!) when I follow the matire'd to my table. This goes for classrooms that have chairs moved around frequently. If someone is with me, I let the person help me, either by taking my arm and leading me from behind, or for me to follow closely in their footprints.
One thing I do really hate- kicking the legs of swivel chairs as I pass through.
The students in the article talked about perception from others and dealing with friends. It's frustrating too. My deafness, I believe, doesn't hinder my ability to interact in social situations because I'm pretty good at lip-reading and I have good programs in my CI. I wrote a bit about this in my "diversity statement" for a PhD program. Basically, I have achieved a lot with my hearing in order to be a participant in a hearing society.
Vision is another story. As long my vision doesn't get in the way, I can jump in things pretty easily. Unfortunately, when my vision loss does get in the way, my world seems to fall apart. I know that I have cut myself out on purpose from social life at night like going to bars or a crowded party. It's my fault in many ways in terms of being able to establish friendships with people to go out with. Even when I walk into a seminar room late, there's that swiveling chair thing. I feel ashamed deep down when people look up and see how I'm kicking into legs of these chairs and occasionally a computer cord. I wanted so much to tell them to cut me some slack because I don't see those chairs! Instead, I pretend that nothing's happened and move forward. Then it comes around again when it's break time... I do feel pressured when I try to cover up my vision loss. My deafness is enough. Thankfully, in many ways, a lot of graduate students really spend weekends studying.
Vision is another story. As long my vision doesn't get in the way, I can jump in things pretty easily. Unfortunately, when my vision loss does get in the way, my world seems to fall apart. I know that I have cut myself out on purpose from social life at night like going to bars or a crowded party. It's my fault in many ways in terms of being able to establish friendships with people to go out with. Even when I walk into a seminar room late, there's that swiveling chair thing. I feel ashamed deep down when people look up and see how I'm kicking into legs of these chairs and occasionally a computer cord. I wanted so much to tell them to cut me some slack because I don't see those chairs! Instead, I pretend that nothing's happened and move forward. Then it comes around again when it's break time... I do feel pressured when I try to cover up my vision loss. My deafness is enough. Thankfully, in many ways, a lot of graduate students really spend weekends studying.
There is something that the director of student disabilities services that has been bothering my list-serv that shares information about disabilities. The director had said that they're about helping students to empower themselves and be self-advocates. Some people disagreed- students need help. They pointed out that usually students come to the University recently diagnosed and just don't know what's available for them. The director went on to say "Look, if students want to have a peer-support group, then it's up to them." Basically, if the University doesn't have what the students are looking for, it's up to them to make it happen. The University would rather be hands-off and let things happen. I do have to admit that there must be tons of high schools that don't offer enough resources to their students and the University is the students' last chance for assistance in self-advocacy. I must admit that I have been blessed with excellent teachers and professionals growing up and have lived with myself for so long that I have forgotten what it's like to be... in square one. I did ask about connecting with other students at UM and the disabilities services were pretty reluctant about sharing information. I do wish that there was a list out there where students can look up others who may have similar issues.
Sometimes I do need to snap into reality that there are others who are just not as aware as I am about resources and support.
Being deaf is so easy for me because I've adapted to it and take advantage of any opportunities relating to it. And it's visible to everyone and it's not something that I can ignore. Blindness is something that's much more difficult for me because it's invisible to everyone else. The fact that I can still see makes it all more challenging for me. How do I convince others that I cannot see everything? I have to educate that there are different levels of blindness. Being blind does not always equate to a white or silver cane. There are times that I wonder how would my day be different if I walked around with a cane. Would I be treated differently? I must admit that I have talked more with this staff member at the office of disabilities about my vision loss than I care to... because I don't feel as if I have anywhere or anyone to turn to. Mostly, it's just small stuff that I have to live with in silence. Like having to feel for floor numbers on the elevator if the light is too dim for me to see if I'm alone. If someone hops on with me or is already on the elevator, I will step back and ask to press Floor...4....please.
Sometimes I do need to snap into reality that there are others who are just not as aware as I am about resources and support.
Being deaf is so easy for me because I've adapted to it and take advantage of any opportunities relating to it. And it's visible to everyone and it's not something that I can ignore. Blindness is something that's much more difficult for me because it's invisible to everyone else. The fact that I can still see makes it all more challenging for me. How do I convince others that I cannot see everything? I have to educate that there are different levels of blindness. Being blind does not always equate to a white or silver cane. There are times that I wonder how would my day be different if I walked around with a cane. Would I be treated differently? I must admit that I have talked more with this staff member at the office of disabilities about my vision loss than I care to... because I don't feel as if I have anywhere or anyone to turn to. Mostly, it's just small stuff that I have to live with in silence. Like having to feel for floor numbers on the elevator if the light is too dim for me to see if I'm alone. If someone hops on with me or is already on the elevator, I will step back and ask to press Floor...4....please.
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