Deafness and Academia

I go through my days without thinking or second-guessing my abilities. I wake up and go out with confidence that I will make through another day, another class, another paper, and so forth.

Rarely does it feel like my life is crashing because The Issue has come up. The Issue is my writing. It is something that is personal to me. I've gone through a lot to make it this far. Few people can appreciate it as so it feels. I know that my family appreciate it but it's harder with teachers, professors, and everyone else out there who did not spend time with me.

I feel like I've gone through graduate school mostly unchecked. I paid close attention to my professors' edits and comments on small papers throughout the semester and learn from them. Yet, there were two or three professors who were very critical of my writing. One questioned my ability to express my ideas clearly in writing. One found too many grammatical mistakes to her liking for a graduate student. One was just overall writing. The other half were more interested in my ideas and how well I presented my thesis and argument. Guess which professors I got better grades with? Yet, it's still a detriment to my GPA.

And that affects my ability to create a tip-top Ph.D. application. Everything else is strong. One of my professor said that I could have everything going for me on my application but my writing would still hold me back. She believed that it would be "a major obstacle" to overcome with my writing ability. It took a lot to stay under emotional control to hear that. It's true that I had not once asked for her opinion regarding my ability to do well as a Ph.D. student but I did ask her to write a strong letter of recommendation. I counted on her for that. Yet i knew she was being honest.

Funny thing is that one of my thesis readers really wants to publish a portion of my thesis.

Mixed messages? Yup. That's what I am frustrated about. Who do I listen to? Who do I ignore? What is the best path for me towards the prize? I've been trying to search for answers in the last few days and will talk a few people this week. I'll be on my own, away from my University, after I graduate. And I need to take advantage of the resources here.

Later, a thought came to my mind, "Is there any Deaf academics?" Yes, there are but they are in STEM (Science Technology Engineering Mathematics) fields where writing isn't all that important. I wanted to know if any Deaf people can succeed in humantiies where writing is emphasized? Through a post online, I found a Deaf academic at Ohio State who is an English professor. Wow. That's one role model who I can look up to. Still, so underrepresented. Why is that? What have Deaf people been encouraged to become? I have known of Deaf people in the sciences, medicine, elementary and secondary education (higher ed in "deaf" universities), and... I suppose low-income, skilled jobs.

My brain is terrible at chemistry. I can't do science. I don't have that "right" brain analysis but I am more "left" brain which is all creative. Aren't we supposed to do jobs that we're good at and enjoy?

This is exactly what I am trying to do! I've found my passion... and why are they taking it away from me?

One university staff member suggested that I should think about what schools are appreciative of diversity and that's where my chances might be higher. I also thought about what programs I applied to, programs that emphasizes on "whole" applicant, not nit-picking the writing sample. And there are other things.... things I had never thought about for my deafness. I just never had to. And if I have to re-apply, now I actually have to be a bit more strategic.

Sometimes I just wonder... did my parents raise me with intentions of integrating with the hearing world, not keeping me in the bubble of the Deaf community? When my dad suggested that I look into something in the Deaf community, I was surprised that he even suggested that. I thought my parents fought to give me opportunities beyond the Deaf community. I was just saying to someone, "How is it possible that I've been given all these opportunities up until now? I mean, thanks to laws paving the way for deaf people to dream of attaining higher education, there are more deaf people with college degrees. But then what? I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall." What the hell am I suppsoed to do with my degrees if I can't achieve what I want and what I've been led to believe that I could get it?

As that professor said, "Give yourself some credit, please. You have a MA from University! People will look at you and find a way to put you in their organization!" That was not the point of obtaining my MA degree. I came solely as a stepping stone for the Ph.D., not to get a job in this particular community. If I came to graduate school for professional reasons, A) I would've picked that other school and B) I might've chosen a different degree that might have more value in the society as a whole, not just an entity.

And at the same time, I know that I've accomplished more than what most of my friends have in the last two years.

But dammit, why does this have to happen in a way that someone should've stopped me and said NO? Especially before I spent all that money on graduate school.